The wildly successful app Among Us asks players to find the impostor in the group. In this case, art imitates life. Studies show at least 70% of people will feel like an imposter at some point in their life. Those who feel like impostors are more likely to experience anxiety, stress, self-doubt, or depression, all of which can negatively impact their work or personal relationships.
So, in a time where we’ve never been more connected and informed, why do we feel like we’re the impostor among us? What should we do if we feel alone in a crowd?
I believe it all boils down to one thing – relationships. As humans, we have an innate desire to belong. What stops us from creating deeper relationships? While social media has connected us far more than ever before, we must go beyond a like, follow, or retweet. And we do that through better conversations and asking better questions.
I think that sometimes we feel that in order to have a deep conversation we have to start off with the hard question. But no one starts a conversation with “what’s your biggest fear” or “tell me about a time that you failed”… Could you imagine if someone opened up a convo like that?? I think we’d stare like a deer in headlights. So how do we go from awkward silence or just awkward convos into something deeper? How can you create what I call “iceberg moments?”
An iceberg is visible on the surface of the water – but if you’ve ever seen what an iceberg looks like below the surface you know there’s so much more there. Iceberg moments are those times where you can go beyond the surface of a conversation and get a little deeper, discovering the connections we may have. It’s in these moments when we’re sharing more about ourselves than we realize we’re not alone. We’re not impostors.
In order to shift our conversations to become more meaningful, we need to be more curious about each other. We need to ask better questions, and then ask follow up questions. One curious question can lead a conversation down something magical. Ask someone about their interests. Ask someone about their favorite holiday and why. Ask someone about something that excites them. There are so many ways we could learn about one another, and this leads to a deeper connection, which leads to a better relationship.
There’s also someone else you can ask better questions to – yourself. What interests you? What brings you happiness? How are you feeling today? What could you do better, or change? Sometimes the hardest place for us to look is in the mirror. In fact, if I asked you to list all of the things in this world that you loved, how long would it take for you to name yourself?
We can do better. We can create conversations that matter. And I’d like to help. Feel free to reach out to me to see how I can help your teams, organizations, coworkers or friends be brave enough to create the conversations that matter.
Often times when people think of change it’s this monumental shifts or moments that will forever impact the way we think, act or live. I think it’s safe to say that COVID-19 has made us change a lot of how we view life, how we work, and how we interact with others. But the reality is: change is always happening, everywhere around us.
Think about your organization: Every year you elect new leaders. Every year people move in and out of the organization. Every year some things stay the same, some things change. All of these changes impact our organizations and yet we look at them as just part of our process.
How does that feel? Pretty weird and little uncomfortable right? Turns out you did the exact same thing, just a little different. That’s all change is. How we view change needs to change.
What if I told you that there is a key to understand change and prepare better for it? Moreover, what if I told you there was a way to unlock your potential and see change as an opportunity for success in everything you do? I believe there is a failsafe way to progress through stages of self-discovery to tap into a change, shifting it to better understand our learning process. Allow me to illustrate the concept of The Wheel of Change (cue game show music if you like).
The Wheel of Change
concept by: Dan Faill & Dr. Kate Steiner
When I first thought about the concept of how to better understand change, something “clicked” – I believe there is a cycle, or wheel, that continues to roll with change (sorry not sorry for that pun). Let’s start the wheel with the concept of Vulnerability
• Thanks to the work of researchers like Dr. Brené Brown, vulnerability is no longer viewed as a weakness but rather a courageous step in connecting with others.
• Vulnerability unlocks the ability to be creative. We best tap into our creativity when we’re not “busy”, but rather when we let our mind wander and begin to wonder.
• Creativity ignites passion. That spark of creativity lights the fire of passion for innovative thoughts and ideas, and the desire to do something about it.
• When we invite passion, we invite failure. Passion pursuits are about the journey, and these paths include points of failure. You will try things you are more passionate about. And you will fail at some of them. The point is that you tried at all.
• Each failure is actually the process of learning. While it may feel like a setback each time, when you look at the overall path you can see how far you have actually traveled.
Learning unlocks Vulnerability (completing the wheel / unlocking all the cycles of change)
• When people try new things rarely do they get it perfect the first time. Learning something new takes practice and that practice can be a continual lesson in being vulnerable.
• Central to this process is the importance of psychological safety. Studies have shown that psychological safety promotes creative thought, moderate risk taking, and sharing of opinions. This occurs when people have supportive and trusting relationships.
Too often we stop our journey before we start. We make up excuses on why we shouldn’t try a new way of doing something. We look at our list of events and just do the same thing as last year because we don’t want to take the risk to try something different. Or worse, we have ideas for improving events and meetings, but we’re afraid others won’t support us or we fail in the long run. In short, we get stuck somewhere along the wheel.
Organizations, while grounded in traditional operating patterns, have continued to thrive because we do not settle for what was always done. We adapt, we change, and we shift how we operate to move with the changing landscape. As leaders in your organization, the question for you is: Are you willing to unlock your potential through failing? Are you willing to embrace the Wheel of Change?
Let’s touch base about how we can incorporate the Wheel of Change into your organization, and how to build your team throughout the year for continued success. We'll dive a little deeper into the Wheel of Change on my upcoming free webinar Understanding Change During Uncertain Times on Wednesday, September 16 at noon EST. I look forward to chatting!
I’ve had multiple conversations over the last couple of weeks with various students, volunteers, alumni, headquarters staff and campus professionals – all centered on the responses from our various headquarters and/or campuses. However the conversations that have given me the most cause for pause have been with students and alumni of fraternities and sororities that feel their headquarters’ statement in “solidarity” of the Black Lives Matter movement has been left wanting.
And after an incredible conversation with a newly hired headquarters consultant, I thought I would provide five very easy (and FREE) ways that headquarters could make a statement that would be more than words that make no real change.
1) Listening Sessions
The greatest give we can give someone is our time. Virtual technologies like Zoom are not new to society, but are gaining exponentially more traction. A technology that’s been around for much longer is the device most of us carry all the time: our phones. What if headquarters staff and national volunteers conducted listening sessions for our members who identify as BIPOC? Literally, just sit and listen to the stories of our members’ and their experiences. Listen to their truth, not in an effort to solve or fix, but to better understand. Only by listening and sharing stories do we feel more connected as human beings. Phone calls and virtual listening sessions cost nothing but time and an open mind.
2) Acknowledgement of Our History
I recently entered into an online ‘discussion’ with alumni of my own fraternity regarding the “Caucasian Clause” that used to exist in our membership selection (on the national level). Granted that clause was removed from our international rules in the mid-1950’s, but the fact that countless alumni never even heard of that clause astounded me. They didn’t know because it was never taught. All NIC-based and NPC organizations had somewhat similar clauses, and if it wasn’t written, it was practiced. We need to acknowledge our past in order to grow from it.
3) Education for Members (Undergraduate and Alumni)
Once we acknowledge our own past, then we can move forward with education. How can headquarters infuse DEI curriculum and resources into the general education of our membership? With most conventions or summer education sessions cancelled due to The Rona, what other methods could we utilize? Are there workshops, modules, e-learning courses, reflection questions, etc that could be provided to chapters? Perhaps part of your future convention curriculum includes a track to address DEI in our membership? Perhaps intentional partnerships with campus-based offices that work directly with BIPOC could be encouraged – as opposed to making it a box to check for national awards. We have the opportunity to be more than a social club with a fraternity/sorority problem. We have the chance to be the activists and change agents that our Founders were.
4) Create Scholarships for BIPOC
What if there were a fund to support members who are going through a hard time or don’t have the socioeconomic means to join or stay members of our organizations? By creating a simple drop down link on our various donor pages that specifically goes to support BIPOC members or new members, we’re literally putting our money where our mouth is.
5) Simply state Black Lives Matter
Three simple words to show we care. I was shocked more organizations didn’t include this in their initial statements. Not surprised, but certainly disappointed. Were organizations concerned the ‘old guard’ would be upset and want to state that all lives matter? If that was the case then refer to #3 above – take this chance to educate that all lives can’t matter until Black Lives Matter. All lives can’t matter until LGBTQ+ Lives Matter (I haven’t seen many statements of solidarity during Pride Month yet). To be in solidarity is to state, without reservation, that Black Lives Matter.
This is our chance to be on the right side of history and truly show support for this world and all of our members that inhabit it. My hope is that these five simple (and free) things can help advance our fraternal movement and truly be the brotherhood/sisterhood that we say we are. If you’d like to talk about ways to do any of these items, ways to engage with your membership or ideas on partnerships with campus offices, I’d be more than happy to talk with you, all you have to do is reach out.
There are no finite answers as it relates to the future of recruitment. I don’t have any answers, and I do this for a living. However if there’s anything we’ve realized over the last couple of months it is the resiliency of the human spirit and need for human connections.
Enter fraternities and sororities. The fraternity and sorority experience is one of the few that provides a sense of security and a home away from home. We know that potential new members come to our organizations because they want to fulfill a sense of belonging. But there are some things we do know: that once this is all over things will look and feel a little different. So let’s look at this as an opportunity for a starting point.
I’m breaking this up into three sections: The COVID Conundrum, The Target Market, and QTNA (Questions That Need Answers). As always, if you’d like to touch base to talk through ideas, concepts, or just figure out what in the world you should do next, feel free to reach out and we’ll find a time to chat.
The COVID Conundrum
Unprecedented ≠ Unknown. Our organizations have survived world wars, famines, depressions, recessions and everything in between. Believe it or not, this entire pandemic could be one of the best things to happen with our organizations (I’m trying to look on the bright side here, so just go with me for a minute). Someone recently said that this could be the virus that killed frats. And if you think about it – it’s true. Groups that used to rely only on their social capital can’t focus on that anymore. This also could be an interesting time for our chapters to do a mini-membership review. If we have members that really only show up for the social and are late on dues, maybe this is the opportunity to give them an out. It’s time to channel our inner Elsa’s and just let them go (gimmie a break, I’m a dad).
I was recently listening a podcast about the effects of COVID-19 on Gen Z (it had some really good interviews with students both currently in college and those about to enter college). So let’s take a quick snapshot of where our potential new members will be coming from this fall:
From a few conversations with on-campus fraternity/sorority advisors, we’re seeing potential new members sign up for the formal recruitment process before even telling the admissions office they’re coming to campus. And in higher numbers too. PNMs are looking for the experiences we can offer them to fill in what they’ve missed. The connections and sense of belonging that our organizations can provide. The pomp and circumstance of our events to make up for missing prom and graduation, which can be replaced by our own initiations and socials engagements. This is our time to truly shine and show our relevance.
I think the overall message of social distance was incorrect. We need to be physically distant in order to be safe, for others and ourselves. But we need to be socially connected, more engaged with each other than ever before. At the moment of writing this I have been in some form of lock down or stay at home orders for almost seven weeks. Yet I’ve had more phone and Zoom calls with friends, family and colleagues than I have in a year. The power of our sister/brotherhood should be seen and felt during this time. If you find your chapter always saying “our sister/brotherhood is so great, we’re all really good friends” – then now is the time to show it for others to see. Now is the time to be more socially connected on a deeper level – As brothers and sisters.
For those that know me, know that I like to push buttons. One of my most requested keynotes for fraternity/sorority communities, When Is Enough, Enough? discusses the ways in which we, as members of fraternal organizations perceive ourselves versus how the general public perceive us. I joke that looking in the mirror is the hardest thing to do, but often the most revealing. Having worked with Greek communities for over a decade, I thought it might be fun to take a look at the Seven Deadly Sins, and hold up the mirror to see how they relate to our communities.
Pride (or Vanity) is an excessive belief in one's own abilities, which can interfere with the recognition of other's accomplishments or sense of community. For me, this is the organization that always wins awards; they look amazing on paper but harbor some 'ish that everyone knows about but no one does anything about. When I first pledged a fraternity (that I later depledged) at one of the first new member meetings the chapter pulled out all of its awards and intramural trophies and said "this is who we are - we are excellence embodied." Wow, how very humble of you guys... The Chapter had high social capital, was well liked by the administration, but also hazed and sent people to the hospital for alcohol poisoning nearly every weekend. For the chapters and members that complain that no one cares about all the good you do and money you raise and service hours you do (mandate), all of that means nothing if you're hazing your members and sending people to the hospital. Do better, act better, be better.
Gluttony is an inordinate desire to consume more than which one requires. Think about our social events or date functions. When I was a campus-based advisor I remember chapters going on weekend-long formal trips to Vegas or Cabo or lawd knows where else, and who knew what was happening at the events themselves, much less in the down time! It's excessive. Not to mention the sheer amount of alcohol consumed at these events. Or that some chapters would specifically budget for the damages they would cause the venue. When your social budget as a chapter is more than every other committee budget, it's easy to know where your priorities are.
Lust is a craving for the pleasures of the body. Now more than ever it's important for us to know about consent. Now I won't bore y'all with a textbook definition of consent, I think you're all smart people and know the gist of what consent actually is. However it's hard when there's a social event and there's alcohol and it seems as though the lines get fuzzy, or at least our memories sometimes do. I think it's important for us to also create safer environments for our guests. Or maybe (and just go with me here) we could host social events that aren't only at night on the weekends in a dimly lit, stick floored basement that smells worse than the clogged up toilet on the second floor of the house that no one goes into, with music so loud you can't hear a conversation with lyrics that do nothing but degrade the opposite gender. Perhaps we could lust for an experience outside of just social...
Greed is the desire for material wealth or gain, sometimes at the expense of others' well-being. In our fraternal communities we need to acknowledge the "haves" and "have nots." There's a greed that exists during formal IFC/Panhellenic recruitment: who can get the "most" members, or who can convince more PNMs to rank them higher (usually through nuanced and leading language that sets PNMs up for disappointment). We're so concerned with getting more numbers that we've forgotten about recruiting a higher caliber person to begin with. After all, people join people. And hopefully we want great people joining our organizations. There's an inconvenient truth when it comes to which councils get the most attention (spoiler alert, it tends to be the IFC and Panhellenic chapters that get more attention than our NPHC, MGC or culturally-based chapters/councils). We need to fix that disparity.
Anger (or Wrath) is manifested in the individual who spurns love and opts instead for fury. However I've seen this play out through chapters or communities when certain rules or policies are being discussed. Anger that "it's not fair" or is impossible to actually implement. Here's the thing, most risk management rules that are being "rolled out" were actually created before most (all) college students were even born. FIPG policies were created in the mid-1980's and became the blueprint for many of our inter/national and regional organizations. I joke during some keynotes that Greeks spend more time trying to get around the rules than actually understanding why the rules exist in the first place and just working within the parameters of being safe organizations. I've had chapters I've worked with get completely pissed at me because of rules that I had no part in writing, but I was expected to implement and enforce. Remember, your fraternity/sorority advisor is there as your advocate. They're not there to get you in trouble. In fact, they don't get you in trouble at all; you get you in trouble, they just get to have the accountability conversation with you. Remember, you are responsible for your own actions, which includes their consequences.
Sloth (or Apathy) is the avoidance of physical work. I have no clue how many times over the years I've heard chapter leaders complain about member apathy. But here's the thing - apathy is just a byproduct of poor leadership and member engagement. Why do we waste time every week with a meeting that is basically just announcements that could have been an email? What if we respected our member's time and personal life and didn't expect them to live and breathe all Greek all the time? If we could have more productive meetings and events that weren't mandatory, member apathy would be nothing more than a myth. I've also seen brand new chapters get installed and closed within ten years (my own chapter included). Why does this happen? Because we've got all these checklists for members and events, with the light at the end of the tunnel being chartering (or initiation). However once that deadline passes we become complacent, unsure of how to move forward. Or our chapters become just like every other chapter that we swore we wanted to be different than. We become okay with just being okay.
Envy is the desire for others' traits, status, abilities or situation. Theodore Roosevelt once said "comparison is the thief of joy." How often do we compare ourselves and our chapter events or accomplishments to others? It's exhausting. And I see this all the time during recruitment season. What centerpiece do the other groups have? What songs are they using? What outfits are they wearing and asking (requiring) their members to buy? If you're comparing yourself to others, how will you ever know who you are? Think of it another way: if I asked you to list all of the things in your life that you love, how long would it take until you list yourself? We get too caught up in everyone else's highlight reels of life and social media that we're neglecting the part that connects us to each other - the relationship we have with each other and ourselves.
As chapters and communities, we need to be willing to fail more. We need to get out of our own way when it comes to things that we've always done. Just because it was always done that way doesn't mean it's the right way. What if Greek Week didn't just put chapters against each other, but everyone worked together for a common cause that benefited the local community through service? What if there were no Greek awards for a campus, but in order to "prove" yourself as an organization you had to apply for the all-campus student organization awards? What if recruitment was about creating healthy relationships with people and there was no more formalized recruitment to spend countless hours and money? Or maybe, if we're going to do an event that's "open to all of campus" we could actually invite all of campus, and not just the other Greeks (or moreover, just the IFC/Panhellenic groups). Or heaven forbid we do an event that's not based around sports that requires teams of 10 or more (when some chapters don't even have 10 members - refer to Greed above).
There are so many things we could change or shift in order to be better chapters and communities. There are so many things we could try. After all, I would rather fail with integrity than succeed with mediocrity. We need to stop being okay with the status quo and be the chapters and members we say we are. I'd love to help us make the changes to be brave enough to have the conversations that matter. Let's connect and talk about ways we can make badass things happen in your communities.